MILF’s Laws of Life



MILF’s Laws of Life, similar to Newton’s laws of physics; except not really… Because I’m not a genius physicist nor is any of this factual. MILF’s Laws of Life also known as MILF’s LOL is what makes my life so humorous, delightful and my favorite phrase to describe anything gone wrong ‘a joke’.



  1. If there is a holiday or major event in the near future, one of your children will get sick with some sort of illness.
  2. If you have an important phone call, your children will wait until the exact second you begin talking to commence a screaming fit.
  3. If you are running late and must do your make up in the car, your significant other will jam on the brakes, hit every pot hole and for some unknown reason drive like an asshole.
  4. If you have plans to go out and actually have a sitter, your children will stay up extra late; even hours past bedtime. Damn you toddler 6th sense.
  5. Well check ups apparently don’t mean anything because a week later you will be there with the same child who went to the doctors office for a well visit with some sort of new illness.
  6. If other children are around, your chances of lice quadruple (that’s really not a fact, don’t quote me on it)
  7. You may have the most well behaved child there is, but as soon as someone you know is around; whom you secretly think want to ignore, your child will act reckless even throw in some new swear words you never even knew they were aware about.
  8. The day you run out of your house real quick and ‘forget’ the convientently already packed diaper bag, there will be a massive diarrhea explosion.
  9. If your child talks, farts can no longer be blamed on child… Child will snitch… Very loud and very proud.
  10. Wearing a new article of clothing is always risky, you never know when your child’s projectile vomit will occur or when a plate of food will be thrown at you.
  11. Having your nails long and perfectly done while you are still changing shitty diapers is a waste of time; There will be shit underneath them, don’t act like that’s not true.
  12. If you are wearing white your child will want spaghetti or pizza for dinner.
  13. New jeans? No problem. Play doh will destroy them.
  14. Your child will always want the toys that need batteries and the batteries will never come with the toys.
  15. If a grandparent is around, your child will misbehave and once crying commences all blame will be put on you.
  16. When a a new pair of shoes is bought, a growth spurt will occur.
  17. Once you reach your goal weight; you will get pregnant again. (That’s why I like to keep a little extra meat on me; that’s what I like to keep telling myself)
  18. Once one child gets anything contagious, the whole house is done for.
  19. If you are a parent you will cry… A lot.

So, these may not all pertain to you but I know for sure you’re shaking your head relating to most. 


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