Every Parent’s Worst Night Nightmare: Toys

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With Halloween coming up, it is only relevant to discuss a horror movie’s best character: toys. Toys, toy commercials, toys that need batteries, toys that disappoint your kids because they are nothing like what they saw on T.V, toys that come alive in the night, toys with songs that get stuck in your head and ruin your day; fucking toys. 

I know I am not the only parent who fears toys. Ever since I was a little girl I had a severe fear of porcelain dolls. My mothers favorite Christmas present to me was antique porcelain dolls… She particularly enjoyed decorating my room with said, diablo antique porcelain dolls. Perhaps I can blame my mother for my irrational fear of toys coming alive, or maybe I should just go right after Pixar for causing a little girl to have nightmares of an animated movie. Now that I am a parent, my fear of toys has become a little more rational. *CUES PHANTOM OF THE OPERA MUSIC* The price of toys… The price of batteries .. An American Girl doll is $199, WHY!! An American Girl dolls non working hair dryer is $35.. That’s more than a working hair dryer. How about playdoh. Fuck the creator of play doh. He was not a genius! He is a homewrecker of carpet floors and expensive jeans.

Here is a quickly compiled list of (in my opinion) the worst toys that parents hate and children love:

1)As stated previously, playdoh. The texture, the smell, the carpet ruiner… Everything about playdoh is awful.

2) Bubbles. Okay, yeah yeah… It was a proud parent moment watching my infant react to bubbles for the first time, but has anybody ever had a toddler try and blow bubbles over and over again and have it drip all over their neck, clothes, hands and hair? And the smell of bubbles is nauseating.

3) Legos. Stepping on one with bare feet. Enough said.

4) Toys that are nothing like what they show on t.v. The past 3 toys my children wanted have been toys they saw on a commercial on T.V. A Peppa Pig house that to my 2 toddlers made it seems like the characters move themselves. But to much disappointment they found out the hard they had to move the characters themselves and use their imagination.  A Paw Patrol launch, that on the commerical appeared so much bigger and a Thomas Train Set that you need to buy batteries for.. For every single part of it. Eventually, their imagination came into play and they played with the toys maybe once or twice. Thanks asshole marketers, marketing their target audience to toddlers who can’t comprehend no.

5) Stuffed animals. Or dust collectors. Might as well use the stuffed bear as a Swiffer  Not to mention, it freaks me out when my kids start talking to them.

6) Dolls that come with clothes that don’t come off. Do you know how mad a 2 year old girl gets when she can’t take off her dolls clothes. Sure, it’s convienent for me, I don’t have to buy doll clothes… But for the toddler who is freaking out because the doll won’t take her clothes off to take a bath ,it is very infuriating.

7) Battery operated toys. Battery operated toys made the ‘oh so thought out list’ for a variety reasons. One, they never come with the batteries and if they do, they run out in 12 minutes because every person that walked by the toy in the store played with it. Batteries are fucking expensive. And the scariest of all.. Out of no where, these demon possessed battery operated toys just turn on and start talking… Particularly when you have taken the batteries out. One specific toy my children have is a turtle that you can bounce on. It uses batteries to sing and talk. A few weeks ago my husband took the batteries out, the fucking turtle starts singing when no one is near him and worst … In the middle of the night. I feel like I am living in a scene from paranormal activity.

Toys may act as a teacher and help your child learn, act as a babysitter by keeping the child occupied but toys aren’t anything unless your child has you to play with them. ✌🏽<3

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