The Adventures of MILF & DILF

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Being a young, unprepared, surprised parent is exhilirating and it will make you feel every emotion possible, even emotions you didn’t think existed. Having my first child was a roller coaster ride; 21 hours of labor to only end in a c-section, then the climax, meeting my baby, going downhill- post partum hormones going crazy feeling good; nurses take care of baby, any question I have I just ask the nurse, the nurse bathes the baby, the nurse changes the babies diaper, the nurse changes my diaper, breakfast in bed, flat screen tv… And my co-creator next to me. It was good, really really good.

Then the hospital sends you home. And all hell breaks lose.

When my first child was born, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I could barely prepare my registry, my teenage cousin at the time had to help me. I mean naturally, all I could think about was Old Country Buffet; a pregnant woman’s paradise. Anyways, thank God for my mom and people around me because me and co-creator were like rich sheltered teenage girls getting stuck in the ghetto. Neither of us had a clue. Not to mention, post partum made me so anxious the top of my hair started to turn grey (I was 21).

Through the journey of parenthood my husband and I have been through the craziest of situations plus the craziest of reactions. Here is a compiled list of some of the adventures of MILF & DILF.

  1. When my baby was a few hours old the baby sneezed, I cried  I had an anxiety attack thinking the baby was sick. *for those that don’t know: sneezing is very normal for newborn babies to clear out their noses*
  2. For the first 7 weeks of my child’s life I slept with my hand on the baby’s chest to make sure the baby was breathing.
  3. For the first few months I called the pediatrician’s office 4 times a week, left messages with the off hours message relay lady, emailed pictures to the office and have shown up without an appointment. The entire office thinks I’m a maniac.
  4. For the first few weeks, anybody that wanted to hold my baby had to wash their hands and wear medical cover ups that I took from the hospital. (I asked to take them) (maybe)
  5. I kept a hat, gloves, socks, long sleeves and pants on the baby everyday for 6 months in fear of the baby getting sick. The first time my baby wore short sleeves the baby couldn’t stop touching its arms. And to this day my first born LOVES hats and refuses to leave the house without one.
  6. Waited an entire month to take the baby out of the house… In once again fear of the baby getting sick. Took the baby to the mall (Out of all fucking places) and got his ‘newborn’ pictures done. A month later. There was one pose where he laid on a pillow, the ‘photographer’ insisted he do it without a diaper on. I lay him down, takes picture , go to pick him up… What does he do? Piss all over the pillow.
  7. Christmas Eve- my baby wakes up in the middle of the night with a fever… First fever ever. What do me and co creator do? Rush him to the ER. 3 am. Christmas Eve. He was fine.. He was teething.
  8. My first born is learning how to sit up … Falls forward and bumps head, barely touches the ground before the smother in me grabbed the baby. So, I get on the same height level as the baby and fall forward to see how badly the baby hit the head.
  9. I breastfed until the day my second child was born… In fear of my child getting sick.
  10. My second child is born… No anxiety. Off brand diapers were okay, a bottle that fell on the ground didn’t have to be washed right away, a slide could be slid down without being wiped down first, a little crying before getting picked up really isn’t so so bad and on the plus side I’m starting to lose my reputation as the manic mom at the doctors office.

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