MILFING ON A BUDGET

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Being a MILF comes with the responsibility of always looking good. But if you don’t have Kim K money, always looking good is harder than any man who’s ever watched Kim K: Superstar; (I think that’s the name of it, I don’t know). Anyways, this morning I woke up around 5 am and decided I would run to the gas station and dunkin donuts really fast. Typically, no matter where I go, I look presentable and 99.3% of the time look really good, but this morning I decided to just stay in my pajamas to run my quick pre sun rise errands. Now, I didn’t go to sleep in acceptable in public sweat or yoga pants.. I was in full on fleece hot pink shooting star pajama pants and an oversized shirt. Thank God I put on my leather jacket, 2005 ugg boots and Kate spade purse to spruce up the outfit. Considering it was still dark out when I decided to go, I felt that the outfit would be suitable for not seeing anyone. Apparently, there is a LOT of people who are out at 6am and evidently the sun rises a lot quicker than I thought. *NOTE TO SELF: never, ever, ever go out in pajamas ever again. 

MILFING ON A BUDGET:

  1. If you can’t afford a boob job and you have post baby boobies, post nursing boobies or just small boobies wear 2 padded bras.. INSTANT BOOB LIFT/SIZER/ENHANCER. I personally suggest a padded strapless with a padded strapped bra on top.
  2. Suffering from a FUPA (fat upper pussy area) is a serious body issue, and fashion no-no. INVEST IN A WAIST TRAINER. A waist trainer will not only hold in your FUPA, but your flat tire that makes your stomach look like a junk yard AND back fat that is legitimately impossible to suck in. The what a waist and premadonna can be pricey; but if you’re fortunate like me to have one passed down, then it makes buying the cheaper versions a complete waste of money.
  3. YOU ARE NOT TOO GOOD FOR THE CLEARANCE RACK.
  4. Home hair treatments look gross, smells like a pig’s balls and rubbing it in your hair is like walking through wet grass with flip flops on but it is totally affordable and most can be concocted by ingredients you have in your cabinet.
  5. If you have the supplies and can work ambidextrously then you are not beyond a diy mani and pedi. Nail salons are expensive and half the time they are talking shit in their native language about my jungle feet, turtle toes, nub nails, sausage fingers and the fact that I most likely forgot to shave my legs. And the besides that, the smell of acrylic gives me a migraine.
  6. Instead of paying $50 plus tip at Sephora to get a contouring lesson, open up your lap top or phone, pull up YouTube and watch one of the 3000 tutorials.
  7. Always keep your eyebrows in pristine condition because it is the first feature people look at on your face and don’t be ashamed at the fact you need to get your “upper lip” aka mustache waxed.
  8. After eyebrows, teeth are the next feature people look at on a face. Make sure to keep them clean. No one likes talking to someone with some gross ass teeth. And hydrogen peroxide and baking soda are good substitutes to those expensive white strips. Just try not to swallow the peroxide, I hear it’s not good for you.
  9. Eyebrows, teeth and shoes.. Always ensure your shoes are clean and presentable no one wants to bang someone with some dirty sneakers.
  10. Wake up, feel good, drink coffee, add a shot of tequila to it (Joaquin’s will do) and look good.

MILFING it isn’t just about looking good it’s about feeling good. Feeling good about yourself, your ability to be a mother and the fact that you are confident, gorg biotch. That explains why in my head I rationized wearing my pajamas out. I knew no matter what I would see a human being, but I was confident enough in my bad bitch MILF self that I wore them anyways.

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