MILFOLOGY

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Now, clearly I cannot take all credit for this one. Phil Dunphey, author of the self help and life guide book  Philsosphy has to be mentioned because he is the king of all relevant life advice. I am a Gemini; so naturally I like to give advice when asked or .. Not asked ; typically the latter. So here is a not so extensive list of life and parenting advice according to the alpha milf herself.

  1. When in a dating drought do not join tinder, you’ll match with a drunk frat guy who’s going to message you “anal?” And desperate you WILL respond.
  2. Get the slutty years out early or you’ll end up being a washed up lonely 45 year old, most likely on tinder.
  3. If you’re unhappy with your post baby body, go on Facebook, and look at pictures of all those girls who were mean to you in high school who gained the freshman 40 and are childless.
  4. If you’re a guy and you’re tired of paying for dinner, buy food at the grocery store, use those hands your mama gave ya and cook her a damn dinner. I know following directions or asking for help isn’t your forte, but if you wanna save money and your relationship.. Get in the kitchen and make a sandwich.
  5. If you’re drunk and on your period, don’t have sex, just don’t it, it’s not worth it. (I should say that about not having sex without a condom but I have 2 little surprises)
  6. If you take your significant other shopping, you will get in a fight, it is inevitable. And that includes grocery shopping.
  7. It’s really better to not like the same food as anyone else living in your house. That way you never have to worry about anyone eating your food. And to accomplish such a task; when eating said food, ensure the first time other person eats said food.. Food does not taste good.
  8. If you are a pregnant woman, and you don’t want people touching your belly, fucking tell them.
  9. If you are mistaken for being pregnant and are not in fact pregnant, do not own that shit. You make sure to tell that ignorant mother fucker that you are not. The looks on their faces are priceless.
  10. If you don’t want to go to an event, just drink the wine, you’ll either be carried home (if you’re like me) or you’ll end up enjoying the event.
  11. Don’t ever let anyone tell you, you hug your kids to much. Being hugged is one of the many underrated joys of life.
  12. If it’s open bar, only take advantage if you’re close with the person, otherwise you just look like a dickhead.
  13. If you want to co-sleep with your kids, you go right ahead and do so, because there will come a point when it becomes illegal.
  14. Sometimes having your kids being afraid of something isn’t always a bad thing. “Swiper’s going to get you if you don’t clean up your toys,” “look there’s a ghost!” *while wearing sheet over head*
  15. Having a picky kid is a good thing. It means they are decisive and they know what they want. Most likely great leaders; but don’t take my word for that one, obviously that trait all depends on your astrological sign.
  16. Speaking of astrological signs; read your horoscope every morning and every first of the month. It is not a crock of a shit. The alignment of the stars affect my life and it affects yours. Read it, believe it, listen to it.
  17. Ladies: always be in a good mood the first day of your period, no unexpected pregnancies!!! Be grateful and be kind to Aunt Flo.
  18. If your kids won’t go to sleep no matter what you do, start making toys disappear and telling them that the invisible monster comes and takes toys of kids who stay awake at night.
  19. Toddler boys do get hard ons. It is unspoken of, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t say the things everyone else was thinking.
  20. Don’t change your personality for the people around you. It’s way too complicated to keep up with your fake persona and way more shocking when the other person sees the real you. Like Ja’Rule said best “I’m real.”

I was was only going to do 20 because that felt like an appropriate number to stop at, but then I thought of another one, so this is not awkward 21 this is ~* BONUS*~

~*BONUS*~

Good vibes spreads and negativity lingers. Listen to the cliche; be happy and be positive; especially for our kids and for our future. We want a future of happy go-lucky old people not grumpy mc stuffins.

advice funny life Moms parenthood toddlers

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